I saved this just for you
My body with all its desires
My mind with all it secrets
My heart with all its love
I saved this just for you
So, consume me
Digest me
Use me up
I saved it all for you
Allow my heart to be your nourishment,
My mind to be your encouragement,
And my body to be your instrument.
I saved it all for you.
-Steven James
Where do we go from here?
Where ever God takes us…..
Like a leaf in the wind we’ll blow
No matter how fast or slow
Tumbling, tumbling, tumbling…..
Across various green pastures
We’ll go….
To the highest mountain peak to find what we seek
To the darkest grotto, no matter how deep
Vulnerable to the winds every movement
Yet still we are free
So, let go
and…
Let be
-Steven James
As we lie
…..intertwined
Your legs wrapped up in mine
…..We have truly become One of a Kind
Drifting off into bouts of ectasy
…..your love has truly become my neccessity
-Steven James
As human beings, one of the desires that we all share is the want for love. Love, a feeling, an idea, a conscious or unconscious thought, is a phenomenon so complex that even the greatest intellects seem unable to pinpoint exactly what this feeling is. From a scientific standpoint, love, an explosion of oxytocin fueled by sexual intercourse, puts unsuspecting victims into a drunken stupor. High off the composition of an alpha hormone, humans become elevated and begin to sing the sweet melodies of the love bird. Psychologist state that love is nothing more that an illusion influenced by a combination of social and chemical factors, and the destruction of an individuals ego boundaries. Romantics, on the other hand, state that love is a gift bestowed upon human beings by a higher power; predetermined by the stars, love is sacred. With so many philosophies on what love actually is, one will never be able to develop a complete and accurate definition on what this feeling is, yet regardless of what ones understanding of what love may or may not be, everyone can agree that love is a feeling like no other.
I’m sure some of you reading this may be thinking, “Steven’s in love,” but I can assure you that’s not the case at all. Although I have recently experienced a deep infatuation, I have yet to experience love. To be quite honest, I’m rather ignorant on what it means to be in love with someone, yet I have a clear understanding of infatuation, or as I like to refer to it, an illusion of love. This faux love is extremely important in that it has the power to lead one into either the realms of real love or the realms of emotional destruction. Unfortunately, in my case, this illusion has led to destruction. Infatuation is powerful because it gives individuals the feeling of being in love, and the feeling of love is what ultimately creates the illusion. Real love, in opposition, is not a feeling, but rather a series of actions that include self sacrifice, attention, discipline, and even a level of separateness. Without these components within the equation, one is left with nothing but infatuation and lust. Real love occurs only when one has become disillusioned to infatuation, yet continues to seek out the components of real love. In the case of my infatuation, the disillusionment occurred all too soon and ended in feelings of stupidity and regret. Fortunately, I’ve learned my lesson.
I’m not here to discuss my love life, but what I ultimately want to inform my readers upon is the power of infatuation, the feelings it instills within us, and the decisions it forces us to make. Like a drug, infatuation causes one to make rash decisions; decisions that may have dire consequences. When one is infatuated with another being, their mind is encompassed with the image of this individual. The smile, the smell, the touch, and the voice of this individual seems to invade the crevices of the cerebral cortex, constantly reminding one of the blissfulness experienced when with that particular person. As a result, biological instincts kick in, and infatuation leads to lust, a desire, a need for every fiber of that individual’s being. One longs to be with this individual: to be touched, kissed, and express feelings that are much too complex for words alone to articulate. Like an addict, one begins to continuously yearn for this high, an unexplainable state of blissfulness. This state of awe is nothing more than a beautiful nightmare, contorting one’s perception of reality; what appears to be the truth is a lie and what seems to be a lie is the truth. One who is in an infatuated state of mind has entered the diabolical stages of a fiend and only wishes to see things which will elevate his or her state of blissfulness. Anything, including the truth of the situation, is disregarded. One no longer views the object of their affection as another human being, but tragically as a love drug.
- Collegenites
In high school I learned that the ages from 20 to 30 are the most important years in an individual’s life, so with that being said, I am now in the most important decade of my life. At age 20, young and full of life, the next ten years will determine how my life will play out, at least from an economic standpoint (which I guess is relatively important). With this troubling realization, I would think that I would have a progressive state of mind, yet I continuously find myself in a mental limbo, unable to escape the chains of my past or decipher the murky images of my future. Everyday I find myself dreaming, or rather worrying about the man I will become. College is meant to be a progessive environment. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, and economically students across college campuses are meant to prosper, yet I find myself dormant. After being out of college for a semester and then returning to Howard (Yes, I came back) I feel as if I’m trying to catch up with those around me. I thought that my semester off was something that I needed. I thought that it would allow me to set some things in order and come to terms with some of the events of my past, yet instead it just made everything much more difficult. Once I returned in January, it seemed as if I was so far behind those with whom I started my college experience with. I hadn’t realized that so much can happen within one semester until I returned. I readjusted quickly, and my semester turned out quite well, yet I still have this lingering sense of a lack of progression. For instance, while those around me are landing internships and research projects, I’m taking summer classes attempting to make up for my lost semester. I still don’t even know what I want to be in life, which at this point seems pretty miserable.
Though I continuously attempt to move forward and focus on the future, I still seem so stagnant. I decided to stay in D.C. for the summer for the fear that returning home would be a hinderance to my evolution. For me, home is symbolic of the past, and although the past consists of some pleasant times, it harpers an equal amount of misery as well. Friends and family reside there, yet they seem to be stuck in a deeper state of limbo than which I am in. Their situation even seems more tragic considering the fact that they are content with their current situations and even seem to relish in the idea that working a 9 to 5 job, making ten dollars an hour is the American Dream (Wrong!). So, I decided to stay here in D.C., believing that as long as I’m in school, the path to my future will be a straight shot. I was wrong. I would have thought that by now I would have realized that nothing in life is a straight shot, especially not the path to my future. Rather than a straight path, the road to my future is a treacherous mountain trail, with tumbling rocks and a falling hail storm, and I walk this trail with shackles on my ankles.
At one point my future seemed so clear: Go to college, go to medical school, become a doctor, get married, have kids, and die. It’s the safe route, a guaranteed job, social and economic status, the glory of being able to say I graduated from med school. What more can one ask for? Although this dream may be fulfilling to some, it doesn’t exactley appease my appetite for life, so why not be daring for once? This is my chance, yet it’s the fear of failing which keeps me trapped to the past and enslaved to the “safe route”. It’s like being connected to a ball and chain and one daring move is what will set me free. I love writing, so why not write? If I want to become the editor of GQ Magazine, no matter how far fetched of an idea that may seem, why not pursue it? I love the French language, so why not learn it? I love teaching, so why not teach? I love traveling, so why shouldn’t I see the world? For once in my life I just need to let go, and allow the winds of life to carry me towards my future. I may not know exactley what I want to be in life, but I do know who I want to be in life, and thats a man with no regrets.
-CollegeNites
For I have known them already, known them all.
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons.
I have measured out my life in coffee spoons.
I know the voices crying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?
Yet, we’re told not to assume as true
That is with the absence of proof.
Once again I am aloof.
So how should I presume?
In search of something rare?
I swear I’m right here!
Patiently awaiting your stare….
So, how should I presume?
I await your ascent
Infinitely high for this moment
As if standing on the highest summit
Just a simple stare to save me from my plummit.
So, how should I presume?
Once again I have found myself entrenched in the library, surrounded by endless pages of notes, towering piles of books, and countless cups of Starbucks as I relentlessly attempt to absorb every piece of academic information known to man. Alright, so perhaps the latter is a slight exaggeration, but nonetheless, day after day, hour after hour, I have entrapped myself within the four walls of Louis Stokes Health Science Library. After countless hours of deciphering equations, formulating intricately developed literary theories, translating the French language, and studying the monophyletic relationship between human beings and the mold on a piece of bread, I awaken from my academic trans. For a few hours I escape my academic prison, only to awaken the next day to begin the process over again. As I look around the library, I see my fellow workaholics, faithful students who have become permanent residents of the library. These patrons of the library, just as I have, throw themselves into a never ending cycle of sleep deprivation and pressure all in hope of “making the grade”. Like a drug, success has become our addiction, and like any addiction, we do whatever is necessary to receive our fix, no matter how irrational it may seem.
I question when students have realized they have entered the realms of irrationality in regards to academic success. Is it when they completely dismiss all other commitments (friendships and relationships) in order to become solely committed to their studies, or perhaps it’s when they place their academic texts on the same pedestal as their religious texts? Is it when they allow the yearning for success to control every facet of their lives, clouding their perception of what truly matters? Plenty of my professors have told me not to simply study for an “A”, but more importantly, study to learn something, yet if you don’t receive an “A” has what you studied possess any relevance in relationship to success? According to my philosophy, regardless of how superficial it may sound, success is all that matters. Success and only the highest success is what my fellow workaholics and I expect of ourselves. We have become slaves to the institutionalized idea of success and freedom doesn’t come until that success has been reached. No matter how long it takes, how many sleepless nights we must endure, how many Friday nights we must spend in the library, we will be successful! No matter how superficial our ideas of success may seem, our emancipation does not come until we have reached them. Our mental, emotional, and physical highs are the result of making the perfect grade. We thrive for perfection in order to satisfy our expectations. So, are we determined? Yes. Will we be successful? Of course! Are we somewhat irrational in our means of acquiring that success? Perhaps, but besides, success has no boundaries. When blinded by the idea of success, who considers rationality? Clearly we don’t…..Welcome to Workaholics Anonymous.
The spirit begins to heal only when one is open to the challenges of life and the realities of the world around us. With the acceptance of reality comes pain, yet after the pain resides comes relief. Life is reality, and life is suffering. It’s impossible to have one without the other. It comes whether we are prepared for it or not. Yet, rather than constantly avoiding our problems, hoping that they will figure themselves out on their own, we must meet our challenges head on. Only then will we be able to come to terms with our own reality. At times I have found myself residing in my own false sense of reality. A fantasy world composed of false ideologies. A world that I mistakenly believed could be believable. I happily resided in this fantasy world, believing that it was my sanctuary and my shield from the outside world. Yet, as I begin to mature and learn more about myself, I have learned that to live a lie is to not live at all. Eventually we all must remove our masks and face the man in the mirror. I have learned that I must embrace the man in the mirror. This man is me. He’s far from perfect, but he deserves to be seen. He shouldn’t be forced to hide behind a mask. To love this man means to accept him for who he is. To embrace his imperfections and the things he has no control over, yet also to take control of the things he has power over. Reality reveals itself only once we remove the mask, shed the layers of insecurities, and step out of the fairytale. We must first learn to love and accept ourselves before anyone else can begin to to do the same.
